Holiday Communication Survival Guide
Conversation Protectors, Nervous-System Helpers, and a Few Special Tools for the Passionate Introverts and the Well-Intentioned Extroverts Among Us
We first wrote a holiday communication guide in our newsletter some years ago, in a moment that feels comparatively gentle now . . . quaint, even.
The holidays always carry their own emotional complexity, but recent years have devolved for many of us into something we can only describe as “eggshells and firecrackers.”
Still, the fundamentals haven’t changed! Holidays activate old roles, familiar patterns, and oooooooold (and sometimes not so old!) family stuff that doesn’t always fit who we are now. Add in stressful travel, disrupted routines, houseguests, shared spaces, and a smorgasbord of potential conversational landmines, even the most grounded person can find themselves off-center.
This guide is designed to help you navigate tricky moments and stay more anchored in yourself, to protect your energy . . . no matter what kinds of conversations are surrounding you.
Conversation Protectors: Small Phrases That Do Big Jobs
“Why do you ask?”
Said lightly, this slows things down and invites the other person to hear themselves, or reveal motivation that can surprise you in a good way. It can also redirect the moment without confrontation.
A gentle non-sequitur plus a subject change
A remarkably effective diplomatic escape hatch. A mildly (or wildly!) off-topic answer followed by a pivot can defuse the moment and move everyone along.
“Wow.” (And then silence.)
A boundary without explaining yourself. Surprisingly effective. Let the pause do the work for you.
For “jokes” that aren’t actually jokes
“I don’t get it.”
You can leave it there. (Don’t forget the silence afterwards!) Or, if you’re feeling bold, try “Can you explain it to me?” Bat your eyelashes and watch ‘em squirm.
Facilitation Moves That Keep the Table Steady
The classic: Curiosity not judgement. Always. (It’s a gift to your nervous system.)
Plan your own boundaries
Boundaries aren’t instructions for other people; they’re commitments to yourself. You can’t stop the questions about your job/love life/body/politics, but you can choose your response and you can leave a conversation that’s veering into territory you don’t want to navigate.
Add some structure (quietly)
If your group’s conversations tend to spiral or stall, guiding things with a couple of intentional questions — or even a gentle time limit — can help the room breathe. “What’s something small that made your year better?” goes further than you’d expect.
Use “You may be right” to de-escalate
Not agreement — just a signal that you’re not entering the boxing ring. Temperatures drop quickly.
BONUS: Silence as a tool (or if necessary, a weapon). You are allowed space to process a reaction and respond. We have occasionally been surprised of what usefulness can come out of a moment of silence to regroup, or to allow them to really hear themselves.
Nervous System Tools That Just Work
Let your butt be big
When you tense up, you shrink. When you shrink, your body reads danger.
Let yourself settle fully into the chair. Let it hold your weight. Then take a slow breath into your ribs or back. Your body will often calm before your mind catches up.
Practice the benevolent assumption (with discernment)
Not to excuse harmful behavior — never that — but to keep your system from interpreting every awkward interaction as a threat. Remember: an activated nervous system protects us by reading neutral stimuli as negative (facial expressions, words, tone, body language, all of it). Sometimes assuming “they’re trying but a little clumsy” helps you stay present instead of bracing for impact.
For the Passionate Introverts
Holidays can be especially exhausting for those of us who refuel in quiet, predictable environments. Shared spaces, disrupted routines, late nights, and emotionally charged conversations create the perfect storm for introvert depletion. Here’s what you can do for yourself:
Build intentional pockets of solitude
A walk, an errand, or even five minutes behind a closed door with a podcast that reminds you who you are now.
Create a micro-sanctuary
A chair, a nook, or — in emergencies — a makeshift blanket fort counts. You need a place where you can drop your shoulders and exhale.
Expect the recurring patterns
If your family reenacts the same scheduling drama every year or someone reliably raises the same hot-button topics, anticipating rather than bracing for it can soften the impact.
Choose your conversational lane with intention
Come in with a few safe topics you genuinely enjoy. (Suggestions from Julie: Corgis, the ornithology interest that comes for us all after 40, suggested fiber intake . . . protein is too controversial in my opinion) And if you do decide to enter a harder conversation, check your intention: are you expressing something you need to say, or trying to be heard? Those require different types of energy.
Prepare optional escape hatches
The bathroom is a classic for a reason. (And yes, people do look behind your shower curtain). “Can I get you a drink?.” Same. No need for a dramatic exit — just grab your moment to gather yourself.
(Or here’s an option for those who understand that without great risk there can be no great reward: Ask someone over 60 about their health. How’s your ankle Aunt Bev? Did that gout get taken care of Uncle Jay? Under normal circumstances, when that spotlight gets turned on you like the Eye of Sauron you’re trapped, so here is the key: Get the table talking to EACH OTHER and you can disappear like a ghost in the mist. Fair warning: If you’re in a competitive family, this can get intense. Use the chaos to grab another slice of pie and eat in on the porch!)
For the Extroverts (How to Use Your Powers for Good)
Extroverts can unintentionally dominate holiday dynamics — not out of ego, necessarily, but because talking and hosting come naturally to us, and silence can feel like a problem to solve.
But your superpowers can be a gift to the whole room when used intentionally:
Share the spotlight (with intention!)
If you sense someone freezing, shrinking, or trying to exit a conversational ambush, you can redirect attention with a simple nudge: “Hey, I’d actually love to hear what […] has been working on lately,” or “Before we move on, I want to make sure […] gets space.”
And on that note . . .
Your enthusiasm for people is a gift, not a burden
Your energy can lift a room, distract from tension, or pivot a conversation with the precision of a Rockette, as long as you stay attuned to what YOU need as well. You don’t need to control everything — in fact you can’t — or work harder than you want to.
Remember that silence isn’t a problem
Sometimes the most supportive thing you can do is leave a pause alone. (From Casey: I KNOW, it’s so hard. Trust me, it’s worth it.) Introverts and anxious family members often need those seconds to find their footing or their words.
PRO MOVE: Secretly claim the host role
This one can be complicated, so go in with all your emotional intelligence intact . . . but it can also allow you to step into your superpowers with lightness and a twinkle in your eye. What if you can: Introduce people. Name when it’s time for a break. Steer conversations back to shared ground. This can help everyone — especially the more introverted or overwhelmed folks — feel less swept away by the group energy.
A Final Note
Whatever you walk into this year — tenderness, tension, exhaustion, joy, or a chaotic blend of all four — remember this: you’re not responsible for managing everyone’s emotions. You only need to stay connected to your own choices, your own body, and the energy you do want to contribute.
We’re wishing you steadiness, warmth, moments of real connection, and a recovery day on the other side. And yes, pie. Always pie.